Navigating family dynamics can be bumpy under normal circumstances. Toss wedding planning into the mix? Buckle up.
Okay, not really. Even though some of us have—let’s call it, ‘spicy’ branches on the family tree, there are still ways to navigate tricky dynamics well, without letting less than favorable interactions suck the joy out of wedding planning entirely.
Here are some best practices for handling family dynamics when planning a wedding.
Define the Behavior
It can be helpful to be clear about what the dynamics are and how they manifest, as this makes it easier to address them appropriately.
For example, are you dealing with passive aggressiveness? An overbearing family member who wants to take over? Someone who thinks it’s their job to put together your guest list?
Are there more than one family member who has strong opinions?
Identifying and defining the behavior can often make it easier to set clear boundaries that stop it from ever even occurring.
Set Boundaries
Often, it’s best to be the one who makes the first move by setting and then sharing your boundaries.
While there are many ways to articulate this, the goal here is to clearly state that this is your wedding, and you already have a vision for it.
Let your family members know that even though you value their opinion, ultimately, the decision is up to you.
It’s also important to establish a united front with your fiancée. This lessens the chance of a family member trying to undermine you by communicating with them instead.
Some of the biggest conflict-causing areas of wedding planning are centered around:
- The guest list
- The budget
- The venue
- Specific traditions
- Your choice of vendor
Thus, it’s important to be prepared when discussing these topics.
If a family member is contributing financially to the wedding, they may be entitled to more of an opinion. Be clear on what that is beforehand, and be prepared to compromise if necessary.
If your fiancées family is the issue, determine the boundaries you want to set with your fiancée first, then let them take the lead in handling their family.
Lean on Your Support System
Praise be, you’ve got your bridesmaids, your fiancée, and probably a ton of family members who all have your back.
This is your support system: people who are there to listen to you and allow you to decompress. People who understand, and have probably had similar experiences in their own life.
Sometimes, just knowing that you’ve got an army of loved ones around you with your best interest at heart can help put it all into perspective.
Use your support system whenever necessary.
Utilize Emotional Intelligence
It’s important to be able to have challenging transparent conversations and validate someone else’s feelings, without giving in to their demands.
Often, it can be as simple as the family member really loves you, and is almost as excited as you are about the upcoming nuptials—they just have a very overbearing nature.
You can still let them be involved somehow—if they’re able to without triggering you in a negative way.
If it’s reasonable, show compassion when they share their perspective—and yes, it’s okay to insert a little white lie here or there to spare their feelings, as long as it’s well-intentioned and does not cause any harm.
Finally, when resolving conflicts, remember to use “we” instead of “I”.
The clearer you are with your initial boundaries, the less likely it is that you’ll have to resolve conflicts later on.
Take Care of Yourself
The bad news is you can’t control how other people feel or behave. The good news is, that you are in control of managing your own emotions, which means employing the necessary tactics and practices to help keep you sane.
One of the biggest is knowing when to say no—understanding that you have every right to say no.
Another is to understand that you can’t please everyone—this will become crystal clear when wedding planning—and that’s okay.
If family members become pushy, violate your boundaries, undermine or otherwise try and manipulate you or your partner, you may need to reevaluate that relationship and determine if that person is someone who deserves to take part in your big day.
For really challenging and stressful dynamics, it could be incredibly beneficial to seek support from a therapist. Family dynamics tend to be extra challenging since they often involve some of the most important people in your life.
Conclusion:
Do your best to keep the big picture in mind. This is your wedding, a celebration of your relationship, and you have every right to celebrate it however you’d like.
If you’re kind yet firm, that should be enough to disarm some of the opinions and remind your family that it’s you—not them—who’s actually getting married.